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Entry tags:
- !mission log,
- baldurs gate: shadowheart,
- dimension 20: fabian seacaster,
- dimension 20: gorgug thistlespring,
- dimension 20: riz gukgak,
- mcu: loki,
- my hero academia: izuku midoriya,
- supernatural: dean winchester,
- ✘ blade of the immortal: asano rin,
- ✘ final fantasy vii | aerith gainsboroug,
- ✘ fullmetal alchemist: edward elric,
- ✘ mcu | ava starr,
- ✘ mcu: yelena belova,
- ✘ star wars | padmé amidala,
- ✘ worm: amy dallon,
- ✘ worm: francis krouse
MISSION 005 (part 1)
WHO: Everyone!
WHEN: September 13th-September 27th
WHERE: Throughout Etraya
WHAT: Mission Log!
NOTES\WARNINGS: Horror elements, including fear-inducing landscapes, distorted environments, unseen predators, mental/emotional distress, potential body horror, corruption, possession, brainwashing, and compulsion.
WHEN: September 13th-September 27th
WHERE: Throughout Etraya
WHAT: Mission Log!
NOTES\WARNINGS: Horror elements, including fear-inducing landscapes, distorted environments, unseen predators, mental/emotional distress, potential body horror, corruption, possession, brainwashing, and compulsion.
![]() ⏵ reality bends ⏴ A strange anomaly has overtaken Etraya. The skies, once familiar, now shift unpredictably, cycling through hues of unnatural colors as an eerie hum fills the air. Tension crackles beneath the surface, leaving an unsettling heaviness across the land. Aurora’s mission announcement offers little clarity—more cryptic than comforting—and she remains unavailable for further explanation. Reality begins to warp, twisting Etraya into a surreal, haunting reflection of its former self. The hospital deteriorates into a decaying structure, its halls haunted by phantom patients, endless corridors leading to nowhere. Rooms morph into massive white padded cells where characters may find themselves imprisoned, alone with spectral figures who whisper of treatments yet to come. Some of these apparitions seek the attention of those roaming the hospital, warning them of a dire fate: failure in this mission means not just the death of their worlds, but their souls becoming trapped in this fractured reality, far from home, forever. The forest transforms into a dark and twisted labyrinth. The trees close in, their branches twisting unnaturally as unseen predators howl from the shadows. Narrow pathways wind through the maze, and while some may navigate unscathed, others will be violently pulled into the depths by horrors lurking just out of sight. Within this twisted forest, a small cottage appears, its walls echoing eerie whispers: "little scorpion," "selfish bitch," and "by the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes." The rivers, usually calm, have become a dangerous, volatile force. Their waters churn violently, and inky black tendrils rise from the depths, lashing out at anyone who strays too close. These dark appendages drag their victims beneath the surface, where those who resist must battle their way to freedom. But those who surrender will be drawn into an otherworldly dome beneath the water, surrounded by strange fish, far from where they should be. Inside, they will find an eerie stillness, but their earpieces still allow contact with the world above. A large mirror dominates the dome, offering an uncertain way back. ![]() ⏵ shadowy haunts ⏴ Those inside the zones come face to face with an echo of fear - a personalized manifestation of what scares them most. It could be an oppressive figure from their past, or something more abstract, such as the feeling of failure, or isolation. These echoes are relentless, feeding off their weaknesses and digging into what makes them most vulnerable. The Im'mari hungers, and preying on characters' weaknesses appears to be its chosen way of feeding itself. While characters may become stuck in their nightmares by themselves, some of these nightmares are shared between companions. Characters may become trapped within their friends' fears, or strangers'. However, the emotional distress felt by the individual the nightmare belongs to will affect everyone within the nightmare. An emotional prison built to torment those whom it belongs to, these echoes of fears may test the bond between companions, forcing them to face truths they may have rather avoided touching on. Earpieces will still be functional and may prove to be crucial in assisting characters when it comes to escaping their nightmares. ![]() ⏵ contamination ⏴ Im'mari may be weaker than before, but it is slowly regaining power, and the creature’s influence is spreading. It infects the wolves, the plants, and even the very essence of Vanessa Ives (and in addition, Aelwyn Abernant), feeding off the deep-seated fears of those around it. Im'mari thrives in the shadows of fear and darkness, growing stronger with every moment of doubt, pain, and despair. Its presence lingers beyond the edges of awareness, whispering to its victims, urging them to succumb. Through Vanessa and those she has infected, Im'mari extends its reach, turning once-familiar faces into agents of fear, pushing their companions to the brink. For those who fall under its sway, the transformation is slow, at first nearly undetectable. Perhaps a friend acts off, says something out of character, or expresses sudden, unprovoked anger. But as Im'mari’s power grows, so does the darkness in its agents, until they are no longer themselves—twisted into something monstrous, compelled to spread fear and destruction. Welcome to your nightmares. We hope you have a pleasant stay. For all questions relating to this mission, please refer to the plotting post. We will be utilizing this post throughout the mission - including when we process the next round of applications, so please keep an eye out for new comments! All other questions can be directed to the FAQ. |
i
Still, he ventures in with his briefcase hanging from a loop on his belt filled with every investigation tool he can think of, his arquebus in one hand, and a flashlight in the other, its illumination casting his shadow in a large mass behind him. There's a faint rustling noise he hears from one of the doors, and he opens it just a smidgen, peering inside and seeing nothing but utter blackness.
He turns off his flashlight and stuffs it back into his briefcase to investigate further, creeping into the room and all but jumping out of his skin once the door slams shut behind him. Riz knows instinctively that if he turns around to look at the door, it will simply no longer exist, and so he obstinately refuses to do so, instead dropping low to the ground, knees practically scraping against the concrete floors. All at once, fluorescent lights beam down on him, pupils constricting as he averts his gaze, wincing against it before finally looking up and taking in his surroundings.
He hesitates for only a split second before the stranger is staring down the barrel of his firearm. His trigger finger is still splayed out, parallel to the barrel - his mother taught him a thing or two about gun safety, and even someone as paranoid as he is doesn't get straight to shooting - but his body language makes it abundantly clear that he won't hesitate before taking a shot. ]
Nothing, [ he says shortly, taking in their shared surroundings. Even if he and this Trickster get into a fight, he quickly realizes this doesn't solve the predicament they're in. He doesn't need to talk to this guy. He needs to get out. Going off of previous experiences, this person may be no more than a figment of his imagination or some AI, here for the sole reason of tormenting the shit out of him. It might not be real, he tells himself. Be wary. Be vigilant. ] But if you're asking, that means that I can't say the same for you. What did you do -- Trickster? A codename, I assume.
[ He doesn't recognize Krouse, not yet. Give him a moment. He'll get there. ]
cw: indifference to mortal danger, gun violence (implied)
He doesn't move a muscle except to smile and keep breathing. He doesn't even raise his hands in surrender, which certainly tells Riz a few things about him. This isn't the first gun someone has pointed at him in a quiet room. This isn't even close to the first. It takes some time to build up this kind of habitual indifference even if you don't give a damn about your personal safety - to break yourself of the instinctual flinch of mortal terror. ]
Correct.
[ So that's some muscles moving, to speak, and then a twitch of the fingers of his dangling right hand, index and middle, where he would be loosely holding a cigarette filter if he had one. Riz might have seen that exact gesture before, or just be able to make the inference. ]
Good trigger discipline, by the way. I'm impressed. You do know your stuff.
[ He observes, idly, because he's just waiting, now. Riz is a smart guy. A smart guy, with enough context clues to put a lot of things together very, very quickly. Krouse doesn't need to start spelling it out.
And why would he deny Riz the big detective's reveal speech? He has to owe him that much. He understands the thrill of pulling a trick together, disparate cards swept up, reshuffled, and flushed out in a perfect hand. ]
And I think you can guess what I did. Why don't you take a shot, and I'll fill in anything you miss?
[ There's a tiny but deliberate emphasis on take a shot that Trickster, for his part, decides he's not going to examine for any meaning. He's set up the stage. Now he'll see how Riz decides to bring it home. ]
no subject
Because the thing is, Riz likes Krouse. Not because he happens to be friends with the rest of his friends (the rest are generally their friends, not Riz's; he doubts that Ragh or Tracker or Ayda or anyone else would bother sticking around if he were the only thing they were getting out of the deal), and not because they happened to undergo something traumatic enough together to warrant them being bonded for life, and not because one of them just feels sorry for the other. It's a rarity for a guy like Riz, who's arguably only friends with the Bad Kids because they were thrown into the same situation with no choice other than to rely on each other, arguably only best friends with Fabian because he wore the guy down over two years. He'd befriended Krouse because he'd liked him. He's funny, and clever, and dry, and seemed to like Riz back.
That shit never happens. Maybe for good reason. He doesn't slip his firearm back into its holster, but he does lower it, expression utterly shuttered, unreadable. Most of the time, Riz looks like the teen he is, youthful and freckled, queasy smiles too wide, eyes too bright. Now, he's scarcely more than a pair of faintly glowing eyes in the darkness. ]
I did think that you were a little too passionate about the flaws of the so-called heroes of your world. Just being politically passionate is a bad cover, Krouse. Anyone with two brain cells to rub together could tell that was personal for you. Not pushing further, though -- that was my bad. Shoddy detective work, if I say so myself.
[ You don't have to work too hard to pull the wool over someone's eyes if they want it too. Rule one of villainy. ]
I'm surprised you bothered with me at all. I'm a lot like those guys you hate, you know. [ And is Krouse right to harbour a grudge? Yeah. Riz thinks he is. Nothing that he'd said has to be off-base just because he was hiding a thing or two. ]
So. Care to fill me in on what you were doing underneath the herald of presumptive villainy? You're not the kind of guy to be shitty just for the sake of it.
[ He's not even willing to write him off as a villain. That'd be dumb. What society deems him as matters less to him than the truth. ]
cw: terrorism, mind control, government surveillance and control
He holds Riz's luminous, incisive gaze without flinching, sitting up straighter on his prison cot underneath the bright warning painted on the wall above him. ]
You're not like them.
[ It's a quick, almost dismissive assessment, something he says like he's sweeping it out of the way. Like he'd prefer they not linger on that judgment call, with all the things it might imply about Trickster's opinion of Riz.
He's a liar, and a manipulator, and a fraud. And he's not going to try to tug on the strings of a nascent friendship built on him lying to Riz since the moment he typed his first reply to him on the network to try to mitigate this. He's not willing to call it a scruple. It's just not his play. ]
And there are two answers to that. The first one, local? High hero population. Not exactly conducive to promoting teamwork if they found out what my old gig used to be. I prefer to stay under the radar.
[ He flexes his hands, sliding them up to rest on his thighs, the movement slow and telegraphed. Riz might not be pointing a gun at him anymore, but Trickster isn't interested in making him twitchy. Not that Riz seems twitchy. He seems like a compressed spring in a clockwork mechanism, wound tight, poised for motion under a hard metal shell of control. Trickster knows what that's like. ]
Second answer? Money. Resources. Access to things I couldn't get access to without this. And I had this thing about not wanting to be locked up under government quarantine for the rest of my life.
[ He doesn't have to nod at the words behind him. Riz is, again, a smart guy. ]
I wasn't lying about getting my power during a disaster. I just left out what it was. There are these things called Endbringers, back where I came from. City destroyers, superpowered giants that show up to kill everything they can reach before they're pushed back. She's one of them. And her trick is cause and effect. Precognition and setting up...cascades. It's not the initial attack, with her. It's how everyone who spends too long in the area and lives through it could be a bomb. Implanted conditioning, subtle nudges, and then one day some of the survivors start snapping. Assassinate a politician, poison a water supply, walk out into the street and start killing people. Always something with ripple effects.
So. Quarantine. They keep you isolated for a few months, monitoring. Put you on a list, make sure anyone you interact with longer than a bus ride is informed. They used to do tattoos. White birds. That didn't pan out, long term.
[ He delivers all of this almost nonchalantly, ending with a shrug. Purposeful defensive distance. ]
I wasn't interested in that lifestyle. Neither was my team. So we broke out. Took up the masks, made ourselves into a mercenary group. You'd be surprised how much of being an e-sports team transferred, actually. And there's your second answer.
[ It's a neat, plausible explanation. It's true, in the details. And it's leaving something out. There's a hole in it, an absence of an explanation for how deeply personal Krouse's antipathy for heroes seems to be. ]
It's Trickster in the mask, by the way. Not that I particularly care -
[ A low battery alarm beeps, somewhere not in the cell. Trickster tenses, his eyes strained at the corners in the holes of his mask.
And somewhere behind the walls, buried in concrete, something massive and organic thuds against solid, unyielding metal. Krouse flinches as tiny particles of grey dust shake off the wall at the back of the cell. ]
Don't worry about that. [ He says, quickly, his voice tight. ] It's - ambient.
no subject
His relationship with Krouse is different than the one with Fabian, or with Gorgug, where they're just -- they're just guys, really. They fool around, they hang out, they have normal conversations. But every time he talks to Krouse, they get dragged into talking shop by some neurotic inclination of theirs, Riz greedily soaking in every bit of information about Krouse's world he could get, pick-pick-picking away at Krouse's brain for his own perspectives, for what that says about him as a person, for what the guy himself prioritizes. All that talk about limiting collateral, all of the suspicion towards the government, all of that about the good guys not really being good... it all had made sense to Riz's own shifting view of the world these days, but none of it had made sense for Krouse, not if he was the ordinary guy he said he was. Riz had known that the entire time, really. That it was something more personal to him. That it had gone deeper than all of this.
He wishes that Krouse could have come clean with him further down the line instead of the both of them getting shoved into it head-first, but beggars can't be choosers. ]
I'll keep calling you Krouse, if it's all the same to you.
[ And then there's the explanation. Not the full story. Riz can't trust Krouse like that anymore. But a story, certainly, and one he finds all the more compelling for the fact that the guy's trying to keep his deliberately detached facade up, as though he really is talking about some sort of supervillain origin story and not a tale where he was, regardless of whatever happened afterwards, wholly victimized by circumstances. His judgment is clouded; his immediate thought is it's not your fault. He shuts that thought down. ]
If whatever that is gets loose, we'll deal with it, [ he says with the sort of confidence that a scrawny guy like him really shouldn't have. ] So you had a choice to make, and you chose what you and your team saw as the lesser of two evils. [ Riz and Krouse are, even now, similar people; where Krouse keeps a cool distance, Riz circles around the topic like a detective, steering clear of any sign of personal investment in his story. ] But that's a pretty big jump, even for a group of people that already had some sort of field synergy, even if it was mainly virtual. You guys had to have had some guidance from someone. Or somewhere down the line, something went wrong.
These heroes -- they fucked you and your team up, didn't they? Got you guys recaptured. Or worse.
no subject
The mask is a performance. That's part of the point of a mask. A person puts it on and plays a role. Trickster is a persona he puts on and takes off, whatever the bleed through with the supposedly real him is.
Except that doesn't matter, because the 'Krouse' anyone here knows is as much of a mask as Trickster is. Krouse knows what this part of the interrogation is, and it doesn't work. They tried that the first time he ended up in a cell, too. Switching names, trying angles. But they didn't know him, and neither does Riz.
But that's not true either. Things kept bleeding through. Little pieces of authenticity he tagged in to round out the part he was playing, until he started losing track. He started letting himself think that even though he was full of shit, even though he knew there was an expiration date built in, maybe it wasn't so bad to let himself enjoy a conversation here and there.
Riz doesn't really know him. But he knows more about him than Krouse should have let him. So the trick works, and he's not even sure he can call it a fucking trick.
It's probably the reason Riz will be able to read the way Krouse's shoulders tense up at we'll deal with it as defensive all over again, like he got about Riz being the same as the people he hates, except stronger and sharper. He doesn't know if Riz will be able to tell how much of that is not particularly wanting this to get worse vis-à-vis Riz being turned into a smear on concrete and how much of it about what would be turning him into a smear on concrete.
And, of course, Riz keeps going. Too goddamn smart for his own good. Or Krouse's own good.
A low battery alarm beeps. Krouse's absence of a flinch is as telling as a flinch. ]
Not exactly.
[ If things had played out differently in these cells, Krouse would have a different explanation ready. The rehearsed one that he built in a cell a lot like this, constructing a story he could survive with. He was kind of past living with it, but surviving was feasible. Now the other cell is currently empty, as far as he knows, and he still can't go back to the version he used to hang onto. ]
We were improvising. We took cues from people we were working with, or for, but it's not like there's some supervillain finishing school. You figure it out. But, yeah. Things went wrong.
I fucked up.
[ He could look at anything else but Riz right now. He's got a whole cell of things to choose from. But what he does is shift his hands to holding onto the edge of his cot. Not particularly hard. ]
I made a bad call on who to work for. It went sideways. I got arrested. My team - they picked the side that could get them what we were after.
[ Riz doesn't care about his team, Krouse tells himself. Riz, with his friends who stick together like glue, Riz who would probably do just about anything for them. Krouse hasn't needed any of them to say that. It's just there. Why would a guy like that give a damn about Krouse's team? Why would he give a damn about Krouse's mom?
Because he's a decent guy. ]
They went home. Got out of the game. This [ cell, loop, cycle ] was just me. And, you know, I'd like to say it was the heroes? But they were the inciting incident, more than anything. And it wasn't the people who made the choice to break from our boss, and it wasn't - anyone fucking else. I fucked up. I went to prison. And I had it coming. Not even for the shit I went to prison for. For everything I fucked up before that.
So if this is some run up to figuring out if I'm feeling any remorse about now, I wouldn't waste your breath. I lied to you. If I had to start over, I'd lie to you again. Because that's pretty much my goddamn thing, Riz. I lie to people. So I really don't know what you want from me here.
I mean, can you believe a fucking word I'm saying? Because if I were you, I wouldn't. So what are you doing here? What are we doing here, right now?
no subject
[ It doesn't matter, technically speaking. Krouse isn't a mystery to solve. He's just a guy. A guy Riz likes a lot, even -- but that hasn't stopped him from turning other people he's liked into mysteries, has it? He can still hear Kalina's lilting voice in his ear, taunting him, mocking him. You want the truth, Riz Gukgak. You want it so much that you'll dig and bleed for it, and you don't care who gets hurt along the way, even if that person is you. He can't help but glance down at his hands, riddled with overlapping scars from when he'd lost his mind and decided to dig his way out of the crystal with his bare hands, made senseless, delirious with his desire to reach his goal, until he'd no longer thought about what he was doing beyond his relentless search for the truth.
They still ache, sometimes. He's never told anyone that before. But Kalina knew. She'd seen the way that he rubbed lotion into it as though that would help break up the scar tissue, the way he'd flex his fingers and roll his wrists on cold days to try to ease the pain, the moments in lockpicking class where a simple twist of his fingers sent a jolt traveling up the length of his wrist.
And now, he's hurting Krouse for the same goddamn reason. Not because any of this matters - who gives a shit what Krouse did in the past? Who gives a shit that he had his own secrets? What does this have to do with anything here? - but because he's Riz, and he has some horrible desire to dig, and dig, and dig, and dig, and dig, even if it means nothing in the long run but a dirtied apartment and the worried stare of his friends and family, because even if he solves the case? He won't spend more than a day or two before moving right onto the next one. He's not a very good friend sometimes. He's not being a very good friend right now, and he knows it. But is he going to change? Is he ever going to change?
He flexes his hand, rolls it at the wrist, then reholsters his firearm. He kind of hates that he's still doing it in the midst of all this self-loathing (stupid, useless; don't think about it if you're not going to fix it), but he's slotting everything Krouse is telling him into the tapestry of what he knows about the guy, what he's been through, what his priorities are, the way he'd been left behind. The way he'd left others behind.
The fear his mother must feel. ]
You told me too much to characterize yourself as a liar, Krouse. All this shit you've told me -- you didn't have to tell me any of it in the first place. You could've kept on being just some guy, but you went beyond that. That was a tactical error, and you know it. But you did it anyway.
[ He heaves out a sigh. ]
'Cause you're not just a liar, or some villain, or whatever, even if you might be those things too. You're also my friend, even if I'm not yours.
[ Just like everything else he's said, he says it stridently, confidently, coldly, as though Krouse's rejoinder of we were never friends or maybe you were just useful or maybe you were just desperate can't touch him. It can. It would. It's easier to injure Riz than anyone really knows -- but when it comes to this, he's a good actor. There's never been a more dispassionate declaration of friendship. Fabian would be ashamed of him. ]
Your teleportation abilities. Remind me: do they operate on the basis of volume or mass?
cw: broken bones, gun violence (imagined)
It has a similar effect as a bullet to the torso would have, in this costume. Krouse knows what that feels like, so the radiant shock that punches his chest is almost familiar. He digs his hands into the thin mattress of the cot, clenching his gloved hands, as he struggles to keep his shit together.
There's one hideous, excruciating second where he thinks: don't open your mouth. Don't you dare open your stupid fucking mouth.
He doesn't let himself get as far as why he has to tell himself not to do that, blinking his eyes sharply, smothering the possibility hard and fast and fucking dead. Not here, not now, not in front of anyone.
It's not that Riz's tone is cold, or that the words are harsh. That's the surface level. That's Riz's mask. It's not how he says it, but what he says, and what he did before he said it. Taking the gun off the table, even if he thinks Krouse is a lying piece of shit who used him as - some kind of outlet to vent to, a head to mess with because Krouse couldn't keep his mouth shut before. Saying that Krouse is his friend, present tense, as rightfully pissed as Riz is. Even thinking it's not reciprocated.
Krouse swallows something hot and choking. He gets it together, one slivered fragment at a time. ]
Yeah. Thing is. [ He says, his voice rough, with a barely there vibration, and he doesn't sound like he's about to fucking- he doesn't sound like that. ] Last guy I was friends with, I broke his fucking legs.
[ Dropped him twice. Once to try to get him to stay down, and twice to make him stay down, and sometimes when he thinks about Luke that's the only sound he hears. He's hearing it now, those wet cracks, the scream. ]
I'm a shitty fucking friend. And that's the fucking truth.
[ Fabian would be ashamed of both of them, handling it like this. If Krouse starts letting himself go anywhere else with that, he's going to have to get it together all over again. So he sits there, not saying this right, I'm sorry and I didn't want to hurt you and fuck, fuck, fuck stuck under his tongue with the taste of salt. He swallows again. Focuses up. ]
Mass. It's mass.
[ A low battery alarm beeps. ]
no subject
And if you try to break my legs, I'll just fucking shoot you, [ Riz says sharply. ] So I'm not too worried about you repeating that.
[ It sounds too prideful, even to Riz's own ears, to assume that he can fuck Krouse up when they both know damn well that he could easily use his powers on Riz and get him into a very, very bad situation very, very quickly. But somehow, Riz still doesn't think that he would, even if that story gives him a moment's pause.
(Breaking someone's legs isn't the same as killing someone. But Riz has had broken bones before. They hurt. A lot.)
He busies himself with plunging one hand into the briefcase and comes out with an almost comically large bag, clearly meant for Gorgug to carry, and a tool-kit. ]
Now, you can tell me why you did that, or you can get off your ass and make yourself useful. [ He tosses a screwdriver over to Krouse. ] Disassemble that bed. We're gonna break stuff in here down and shove 'em in here until we get enough to match your mass.
[ He knocks down the chair, unsheaths his sword, and plunges it into the junction between seat and leg. Actually snapping it off takes him jumping on top of it with his full weight a couple of times, but it eventually splinters, breaks off, and gets tossed into the bag. ]
You remember what we talked about, the first time we met.
[ He should have known the jig was up as soon as Krouse was cool with him shooting a guy's fingers off. But it's an acknowledgment all the same. To break, to shoot, to maim -- that's not self-defense. It's cruelty. But he suspects Krouse regrets his past misdemeanors a lot more than Riz himself does. ]
cw: body horror (off-screen), pain, self-harm (wall punching)
He gets off the bed. He doesn't start disassembling it. He reaches for the catch of his mask behind his head instead as Riz gets to work levering apart the chair with his sword. Probably not great for the sword.
Krouse tosses the mask on the cot and runs his hand through his hair, the screwdriver jutting out of his clenched fist. It's not an aggressive hold. He just needs to be doing something with his hands so they don't start shaking. He watches Riz toss the chair leg into the bag tiredly, so goddamn fucking tiredly, his bare face showing deep, purpled hollows under his eyes. ]
I remember.
[ They'd talked about a lot of things. But in the context of Riz assuring Krouse he'd shoot him if he tried anything, the possibilities narrow sharply. He thinks he can grasp the intentions there, too, if less clearly. I'm not a good person either, maybe. Or, I fucking mean it about shooting you. The point is, there's a point, and Krouse should let him get to it.
A low battery alarm beeps. ]
It was kind of funny. [ He says, not sounding like it's funny at all. ] I don't think I really put it together at the time. But in retrospect. Parallels, you know? Coincidence.
The guy who used to own this place - half of this place - [ he could explain it, but getting into theories of congruence and the amalgam of one prison with another feels unnecessarily esoteric ] - he -
[ He doesn't even know why he's trying to tell Riz this. To get him to stop, maybe. To just stop. To understand how much he's wasting his time. To get the gun back out. To make anything else be happening but this.
He gets his wish. Not the way he wanted, but he never does.
The massive sound of something wet striking hard metal comes again, the back wall shaking, and Krouse pivots towards it as reflexively as he caught the screwdriver. There's a pause, a silence, and it seems like it might pass the same way it did the first time, until the screaming starts.
A wild, shrieking chorus of mouths, dozens of them, each different, almost entirely inhuman, barely muffled by the concrete. It would take a keen ear, or a familiar one, to hear the singular wail of a human girl in agonized misery in the midst of it.
Krouse's eyes go so round and wide in his face he looks so much younger than he is, or how he feels. ]
No'!
[ The syllable bursts out of his mouth as he darts to the wall, slamming his empty palm against it. It could sound like a denial, if not for how he says it, desperate and panicked on the shape of a name. ]
No', No', stop, hey - [ The screaming continues, ricocheting through the cell, through his chest ] - stop it, fucking - stop, stop, fucking leave her out of this you motherfuckers I'll fucking kill you!
[ His voice rips up from panicked to enraged, a snarl teetering on the edge of snapping completely, and he doesn't realize he's punched the wall with his fist wrapped around the screwdriver until the pain is jolting up his knuckles - and the screams stop, cut off, as abruptly as if they never started.
A low battery alarm beeps. ]
Fuck!
[ Krouse pushes his face against the wall, grinding his nose against the concrete, his face contorted in a shuddering convulsion of rage and panic and grief. ]
Fuck. [ He exhales, hopelessly. ] Fuck.
no subject
This is the most uncomfortable Riz has been in recent memory, in fact, circling around Krouse and playing this stupid little game, as though they're hero and villain and not just a couple of stupid kids who've been thrust into situations beyond their control, as though they'll really go out of their way to hurt - main, shoot, torture, kill - each other for what? Some difference in philosophy? Krouse's wicked past? Riz's own history of violence? It's stupid. It's stupid, and Riz can't help but give in, safer in old patterns and professionalism and some desperate adherence to the truth rather than actually say what he means, express how he feels. And why should he, when Krouse isn't doing the same?
So, yeah. It's uncomfortable. And it sucks. But compared to the sudden burst of raw emotion exploding from Krouse, his shrieking despair, his horror, Riz finds himself wishing they could go back to what they were just doing, trading barbs, masks up, emotions hidden. This from Krouse, the scream, raw and rare -- it's horrible to hear, like something he was never meant to see. It's even more distressing to him than whatever the fuck is going on in the neighbouring cell, watching the curve of Krouse's mouth become something horribly animal, stripped of his senses and his closely guarded secrets in the face of...
What, exactly? ]
What? [ Riz says, frantic. ] Wh-what are you, what's, what's going on?
[ He breaks character. He runs up to Krouse, expression more open and earnest in his alarm than he means for it to be, panicked by proxy. ] Is there someone trapped in the cell over? I can get out of here. That's why I was trying to get something your size, so I could take it with me, and we could...
[ His eyes dart outside of the cell. The screams are still ringing in his ears. He takes a breath. ]
If we don't have time for that, I can go alone. Who's trapped out there?
[ With the monster, he assumes. He can go get her. He can help. Even after all of this, he hopes Krouse can trust that that's all he wants to do. ]
cw: grief, ableism
It was one of the first real things he ever told Krouse about himself, past mutual exchanges of speculation. The invocation is still fresh in the air, barely older than the screams. It's in Riz's frantic voice, his coldness splintered over that instinct to do something, and Krouse isn't going to look at his face. He's going to keep his eyes good and goddamn closed as he forces his face into some approximation of stillness, winding it down into a hard, shuttered hurt. He swallows, his mouth stretching and thinning, and exhales raggedly. He doesn't lift his head off the wall. ]
Noelle.
[ He can say her name. He's figured out how to get there without losing it, every time, and it should feel like coping. All it ever feels like is betrayal. ]
That's Noelle. [ Krouse pushes his flat palm against the wall like he might push away; he still doesn't. ] And she's not here. Because she's dead. And I wouldn't let you go looking for her anyway. She doesn't - [ hah, under his breath, desiccated and hollow ] - she didn't want people seeing her like that.
[ Krouse pushes himself an inch, two inches, three inches off the wall. His shoulders are hunched, one hand flat, the other curled around the screwdriver. He takes a deep breath, a ragged sniffle at the trailing end, and lets his head hang as his mouth works itself into a crooked, off-kilter echo of a smile. ]
Sorry. [ He lifts the hand holding the screwdriver off the wall and wipes his nose on his sleeve, a jerky, furtive motion that practically begs not to be noticed. ] I don't think I've slept in -
[ A low battery alarm sounds. Krouse flinches, another hah stuttering out of his mouth. ]
God, you know, it's funny? She fucking told me about that. The alarm, I mean. That it kept going off in her room. And I didn't get it. I really didn't fucking get it. It's annoying, but how bad can it be? [ Quieter, with a rasp: ] How bad can it fucking be?
[ Krouse pushes off the wall completely, tilting his head back. He breathes out, wanting a cigarette more than he wants oxygen, and finally opens his eyes to look down at Riz, his face bare of his mask, his eyes glinting with the way it really is kind of funny. ]
I put her in there. In the cell. And I promised I'd make it all right, when she was better, and that was the whole fucking point of any of this. But she asked me about the alarm, and I didn't make them fix it. I asked, yeah, but I didn't - I didn't make them, you know? I could have tried. Could have gone in there with a new battery, or just ripped it out of the wall. I could have listened. I could have made the fucking time. What did the rest of it even fucking matter?
[ The low battery alarm sounds. It sounds for days, and days, and days, never turning off, never missing a tone. Always just piercing enough, just spaced out enough, a person can never get used to it. ]
She was so sick. She was so sick, and I didn't know what I was supposed to fucking do, but I could've done better. I could have been better, Riz. [ Krouse rubs the heel of his empty hand under his eye and looks up at the ceiling, still not-smiling, mouth ugly and wounded with it. ] Case 53s. I mentioned them, right? Mutations with the power.
I got to teleport. She got sick. And it was my fault. So, you know. That's what's going on here, Riz.
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Because how the hell can he comfort Krouse throughout any of this? He can tell him it wasn't his fault until the cows come home, that he didn't choose what happened to Noelle just as he didn't choose what happened to him, that he'd just been some poor kid trying to help someone he cared about underneath impossible circumstances, that he'd tried his best. ]
Krouse...
[ Would saying that do any good? Riz knows it wouldn't do him any good either. He'd felt so guilty about sleeping through his Dad's death that he hasn't been able to sleep since, never mind the fact that he hadn't known what his father was actually doing, never mind the fact that he'd been a whole country away. Guilt and remorse work in funny ways, where logic never seems to help, even though logic is what Riz has built his entire life on.
It's just easier that way. It's easier for Krouse too, he thinks. Or else all their stupid little talks, where they danced around the subject and Krouse lied and lied and lied, they would have never happened, as though trading intel can be at all a replacement for actually having a goddamn conversation. So now that they're here, trapped in having to talk it out for real, he has no idea what to say.
He looks at the ground, mouth twisted in a frown. His hand stays where it is. ]
I'm sorry, [ he says instead, voice hoarse. ] I really am. I...
[ Something horrible had happened, maybe something Krouse himself had caused, and Noelle had suffered for it. And then what? They needed a cure. They needed a place to keep Noelle while she was a danger to herself, a danger to others. And how did Krouse find a way to keep her confined, away from a government that might use her or put her down? How did he go about trying to help? Surely, surely he had tried to help, no matter the burden of guilt on his shoulders. ]
That's why you joined up with those guys, right? That's why you did all the shit you did? To save her. You tried. You did try.
[ He doesn't need Krouse to tell him to know that much. And yeah, the asshole might deflect, tell him he didn't really, that he'd been distracted by his powers and his job and the thirty other things he had on his plate, or tell him he hadn't tried enough, but even if Riz doesn't really know Krouse... he still knows him. Deep down, he thinks that he does.
There isn't a version of Krouse in the world who wouldn't have tried, he thinks. Not looking at the shell of a boy in front of him, voice hoarse from yelling, face crumpled in an uncomfortable, grief-stricken mask. ]
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There was always somewhere else to go when he needed to break down. A stand of trees, a gas station bathroom up the road from their motel, a supply closet in the base. Somewhere else.
But there's nowhere to go here. There's no getting away from this. From Riz's outstretched hand and hoarse words. You tried. You did try.
It'd be another lie to say he starts crying. He's been crying. He's just been acting like he wasn't. Like these hitches of breath and the snot from his nose were incidental, like the red ringing his eyes was from concrete dust and exhaustion. What's true, what's as inescapably true as the beeping of that fucking alarm, is that Krouse stops trying to pretend he's not.
He hunkers down, curling into a ball that's level with Riz's outstretched hand, and chokes on a sob that feels like something brittle fracturing in his chest. Splinters jam in his throat, work up into his eyes, and he knits his hands, screwdriver and all, behind his head. ]
I loved her.
[ And there it is. There it is, again, like it will always be there. ]
I loved her so fucking much. I loved her like - I didn't fucking know I could love anything.
[ He loved her enough to make him want to be better. He loved her enough to try more than he'd ever tried for anything. ]
The only fucking thing - the only fucking thing I'm sorry for? It wasn't fucking enough. I'd do it again, I'd do it - a thousand fucking times worse, I'd do fucking anything, I can't - I can't stop, I fucking promised -
[ Every other word crashes on a hitching sob, hard, twisted up punches of sound, and he needs to shut up. Stop talking, not say this, keep it together, but he can't, he can't - ]
They can bring her back, I fucking know they can, they can bring her back, I can still - I can still do this, I can do this, I can do this -
[ It's an old, desperate repetition. I can do this, whenever he can't. I can do this, because he has to. He loves her. He loves her, and he promised, and he has to try. ]
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Riz is a good enough detective to have caught onto that much by now. Love seems to be a nebulous concept that rules over everyone's lives in a way that Riz will never fully be able to comprehend, because Riz knows that Krouse isn't talking about loving her as a friend. True, romantic love is what drives people insane; it drives them to drink, it drives them to kill, it drives them to build their lives up or tear their lives down beyond apparent reason or will. It's done the same to Krouse, an otherwise smart person who somehow found himself in a position where he's burned everything in his fucking path for it when there could have been a different way, a better way. It's not Krouse's inclination towards logic and reason he's seeing now. He's seeing nothing but a flayed nerve, an exposed bone, the injured keen of a dying animal.
This is the sort of love people sing about. This is what it can do to people. Krouse is out here saying he never knew he could love like that when he loves his Mom, when Riz can tell with every word he says about her that he loves her so much, but it's just not the same, is it? It's not enough. Knowing how much it would break his mother's heart to see her son like that just isn't enough. And it makes sense when you look at it that way, isn't it? Krouse isn't a bad guy. Riz truly believes that. But somewhere in that love everyone's chasing down, he'd lost who he was, a smart, charming guy with a bright future ahead of him and through a tragic turn of events, became this pathetic creature before him, sobbing with no less fervor than the way a worshipper would weep over their god. ]
C'mon, just give that... [ Carefully, he plucks the screwdriver out of Krouse's laced fingers and tosses it to the side, his first thought being the unreasonable one that he's just gonna hurt his hands that way. Then finally, carefully, he settles his hand on top of Krouse's head, little pinpricks of claws resting against the back of his head, not unlike a devoted pet's nails as they settle into your lap.
He has a hard time feeling anything other than terribly, terribly sad for him. ]
I'd never want anyone I loved to feel like this, [ he says quietly. ] Not for me. Not for anything. Krouse, it's -- [ not your fault, he almost says, but he doesn't know that, not really. He cuts himself off. ] You tried your best, man. You did everything you could.
[ Gently, as gently as his own mother as she pries a pen out of Riz's hands and urges him away from whatever's sparked his madness, he says, ] You can stop now.
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He doesn't deserve this from Riz. He doesn't deserve this from anyone. Every time someone reaches out a hand, familiar and human or small and clawed, Krouse wants them to understand that. No one should touch him. He took that away from her, so he shouldn't get to have it for himself.
Even Noelle didn't think that was true. Her talon in his hand. Her face cradled in his palms, tiny, exhausted, warm. She let him touch her one more time, after everything he did to her, and he doesn't know what to do with a life that keeps offering him reprieves long past when he wanted them. ]
I can't.
[ His hand emptied of the screwdriver sinks back into his hair. He shakes his head, a sob cracking on an echo of laughter, because he always laughs a little when he cries. It's fucked up. ]
You don't get it. She was here. She was here when I got here. She was real. She was dead and then she was here and then I went to sleep and she was fucking gone, but - this isn't theoretical. That was real. They brought her back already. They can do it again.
And even if they don't, you remember me asking about death, right? Where people come from? If anyone ever came back? It happens. I'm not just making shit up. It's not - fucking about how I feel.
[ He lifts his head, looking up at Riz ever so slightly from his hunch on the floor, his villain's costume never looking so much like a costume as it does now. Absurd and over the top, a dress up outfit for a game. His eyes are wide, red-rimmed, fervent. ]
You get it, right? [ He asks, his voice cracked all the way through. ] If it was you. If it was someone you loved. If they'd been here, and you saw them, and you fucking knew it was possible, would you stop?
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That's okay. He doesn't mind, or at least he doesn't mind that part of the whole ordeal. Krouse just needs someone, anyone here with him, anyone who would extend to him the barest modicum of kindness and consideration, anyone who wouldn't just capitalize on his grief in the same way that so many clearly already have. That's something Riz is good for; he's never truly wanted much from anyone except for their company, and he certainly doesn't truly want anything more from this nervous wreck before him.
Riz crouches in front of him as though speaking to a small child, even if it makes him a good deal smaller than Krouse this way, the hand in his hair moving to rest on his knee instead. Now that he hasn't been pushed away, he feels like that's what he should be doing, as though a single hand could anchor Krouse to some recognizable form of reality. ]
My Dad wouldn't want me to, [ he says simply. It's not the right analogy. The right analogy would be Fabian, someone Riz gave away their entire cover for, someone he had sacrificed Ragh's mother for, something Riz knows he'd do again in a heartbeat. Nobody else needs to know. ] He loved me too much to ever want me to do this. And I respect that. I respect him.
[ He couldn't bring his Dad back anyway. His body's gone, dissolved, no shell to place his soul back into. ]
But if that's what you've been trying to do this whole time... why not ask for help from the people who are actually from a world where that's possible?
[ And that's the sticking point right there, isn't it? That Krouse probably could have helped Noelle more, just like he could have helped himself more. But only if he let go of his pride and his secrecy, only if he managed to find the right people, only if he was able to just fucking ask. ]
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He's not telling Riz that. Not yet. He doesn't trust himself to explain it right, to make it fair. He didn't need her to love him. He'd learned that in the worst way, but he learned it. Love isn't something that needs to be given back.
But she told him he could stop, too, even though she didn't love him. He's not telling Riz that either. If he tells Riz that, then he'll have to admit how fucking selfish this all still is. There's a horrible freedom that comes with already being past someone's forgiveness. She'll never get over him doing this for her, if he pulls it off, and it'll be just one more thing he didn't listen to her about. The thought claws at him, terrifyingly close to making him have to really look at that, but he just - can't.
Better to focus on the now. On Riz's small hand on his knee, grounding Krouse to whatever facsimile of reality this is. ]
I haven't exactly had a great track record with asking people for help.
[ When in doubt, fall back on flippancy, however it creaks and strains in his ragged voice as he plasters on a terrible attempt at a weak smile. It slips off as he jerks his head at their surroundings. ]
That's how I got here. I trusted the wrong person, and I fucked us. You know - you know how it is when you need something. That's how people own you. And what the fuck do I have to offer in exchange? Why would anyone help me with this? Because they're my friends? [ That flickering, awful smile again, there and gone. ] That didn't pan out last time, either.
I couldn't ask you. I couldn't ask, and then, even if shit changed - I mean, listen to you. You don't even think I should be trying.
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[ It is, perhaps, the unkindest thing anyone could possibly say to someone in Krouse's position. Riz doesn't regret the words, per se, but as someone with the same aversion for taking a long, hard look at himself in the mirror, he knows damn well that whatever it is that Krouse sees isn't good.
But he's not talking about Krouse's moral fibre or lack thereof. He's not talking about what Krouse may have done in the past, or even what he's doing now, or how his actions affect anyone else. He's only talking about how Krouse's actions affect him; it is obvious to anyone that the boy in front of him is deeply unwell, from the sallowness of his cheeks, eyes still red and welling from unshed tears, apt to hurt himself, and all for what? To punish himself? To drive himself into an early grave? Krouse is all pomp and charm and ego, but it turns out that none of that ego ever goes anywhere, save for some impossible standard he's holding himself to.
Riz's gaze is, as ever, unwavering, blunt. There is only a shallow comfort there, save for the assurance that Riz will always take pains to tell others the truth. The truth about Krouse right now just happens to be an unfortunate one: that he's a fucking mess. ]
Doing it this way is stupid. I wouldn't want you to do it like this either, and we're not -- I mean, we're hardly in love, [ Riz says with a snort. ] But I'd help you do it in a better way, sure. A saner way. Some way that doesn't mean that you're just killing yourself.